There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
