you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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