So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
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How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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