I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
