I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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