haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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