Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I supernannyed him into submission
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