so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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