Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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