Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
