Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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