the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
