My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
