U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
