you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
