wrigley field is MILF paradise
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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