I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
