y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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