i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
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Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
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Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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