My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
