drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
being pregnant is like rehab
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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