i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
