I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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