Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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