He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
