Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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