i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Randomize
