Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
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I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
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The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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