True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
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how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
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By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
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