I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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