I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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