genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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