i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
