she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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