3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
soo... how was my night?
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