Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
