I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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