i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
