dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Randomize
