my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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