i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
