I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
