You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
