I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sorry about my life...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
