About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
