My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
