You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
