drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
it's like heaven, but drunker
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
