Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
