i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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