I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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