Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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