Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
