when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
