can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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